Self Love

"Why can't I see beauty in the person I see in the mirror?"

"If other people can love me, why can't I love me?"

"How can anyone think this body is beautiful?"

These questions filled my head every single day for years and years. Driving me to a deep depression I kept hidden inside myself. I looked in the mirror and pinched the fat oozing out of my jeans. I rubbed my thumb over the stretch marks wishing they might just buff out of my skin. My boobs looked like implants that never stopped growing. I looked at the acne scars embedded into my fair skin hoping my makeup would make them a little less noticeable. I couldn't find any feature of mine that I would consider "pretty." I even found my rare green eyes only "alright." I wanted a new body, I didn't want to be me. I felt like I had been given the short end of the stick in the appearance department. 

Eventually, I forced myself to give up food. I would skip meals, mush my food on my plate to make it appear eaten. I would take one single bite and use the "I had a really big breakfast" excuse every day at lunch. If I ever gave in to my hunger and ate a regular meal, I would punish myself, allowing only liquids to touch my tongue for days. 

In high school, I was a cheerleader so being active, I lost weight pretty fast. I was wearing a size one jean my Junior year and I still hated the girl I saw in the mirror. Others would compliment me on being adorable or "so small." Nothing they said, ever made a difference to me. I hated myself. 

I was the only person who could fix me. 

My opinion was the only one that could make a difference.

I had to show myself that I was beautiful.

I struggle everyday to love myself. Somedays, I can honestly say I don't like myself a whole lot, but I started focusing more on the girl who was inside instead of the one I saw in the mirror. I started forcing myself to smile more, which inevitably made me feel happier. I started accepted the compliments I received instead of shutting them down and telling myself none of what anyone said was true. I started telling myself that I had confidence, even though it started as a complete lie. You know that saying "fake it until you make it?" Well, I took that saying to heart as ridiculous as it may sound. 

Nowadays, I have stretch marks. I have acne marks and scars and I'm fitting loosely in a size ten. I'm also a firm believer in size is just a number. What matters is finding clothes that fit your body and feeling good in the clothes you wear. If you feel good, you look good. It's as simple as that. Now, I love my skin. I love it so much I decorate it with body ink and art. I am now on tattoo number thirteen and I don't plan on stopping. They make me feel beautiful and a little bit badass (shhhh... don't tell). I have the confidence now to show myself off a bit, instead of hiding away. When I put makeup on, its to enhance my features, not hide them or cover them up from the world. If I have a zit the size of Mount Everest on my chin, oh well, if you think I'm ugly because of it, then you can suck it. It's the person under that zit that really matters. Its the sarcastic, yet optimistic, smartass underneath it all that you're going to remember. 

 

I am Nicole

Size 10 jean

my thighs touch

I own stretch marks

and skin breakouts 

but I proudly wear thirteen tattoos

I am sarcastic, optimistic

and a total smartass.

also currently struggling with a zit the size of Mount Everest

and I am beautiful just the way I am.

So are you.

Letter to July

Hi Guys! I'm going to try and make this intro short, sweet and to the point. Here it goes: I recently discovered an amazing Youtuber/Filmmaker named Emily Diana Ruth. I heard about her through my favorite Youtuber Essiebutton and I fell in love with Emily's series Letters to July. Even though July has come and past, I thought I would really like to give it a shot on here. So here is my personal version of a letter to July. I encourage others to write one, even if it's just for yourself and I also encourage you to check out both of these incredible women if you haven't already.

Dear July,

I am Nicole and I've always been Nicole but the Nicole I am this July, in 2015 is different than any others you have encountered in the past. Before, I have spent the month of July dreaming. Dreaming about a different life, in a different place, as a different person. And this year, July, you have given me courage. 

Courage to move to a new state away from my family and friends, courage to live on my own with new best friends and pay my own bills.  You gave me the courage to start over and begin a new life. Including, starting a new job where I brew coffee and make sure the residents of Summerlin have their Venti, iced, quad, nonfat caramel macchiatos before they head into work. I have a new apartment and a new room. A new room where sleeping doesn't feel the same, but luckily work tires me out enough. 

Most importantly, July, you have given me a new outlook on life. Everything can change in a split second. Chapter One ends and flows into Chapter Two without notice and you just have to go with it. My Chapter Two has begun and I'm taking it on with every ounce of strength in order to gain every ounce of happiness I can contain. Thank you, July, for being difficult and uncomfortable and perfectly what I needed. You leave me with a new feeling of accomplishment and I can't wait to see what you hold in store for me next year.

Sincerely,

Nicole xx

Introducing justagirlwriter

I have officially been the proud owner of this blog for over a year now and I realized a few things... First, I didn't write nearly as much as I intended to. Second, I started my blog without knowing what it was going to be. Third, I was a completely different person than I am now.

When I first started my blog I thought it was going to be a beauty blog since I was in Cosmetology school but it didn't feel right. And in attempt to fix this whole not writing enough issue, I'm really trying to commit to a weekly post. Let's see if I can finally keep up on it. Fingers crossed everyone! 

Now, I have embarked on a brand new adventure with my boyfriend Austin, our roommates Connor and Becca and of course our pups Arya, Noodle and Sam. The gang and I have decided to trade our Cali sunshine for some cactus and slot machines. That's right folks we packed our bags, loaded up the U-Haul and moved to Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. With this new adventure and realistically new life I decided a new blog name was only fitting so welcome to my improved blog: justagirlwriter

justagirlwriter is now just a place where I can record my thoughts, feelings, adventures and all other parts of my life including my job as a barista at Starbucks and my role as a greyhound mom. It may not always be interesting but it will be me and that's all it really needs to be. I hope you will enjoy my future entries and maybe even share them with a friend or family member.  

 

Until next time!

-Nicole xx

She's Back!

Hello everyone<3

So I have been MIA for quite some time now and there has been some really big changes in my life lately. However, as a blogger/writer that is no excuse for my lack of writing so I'm back and ready to type!

I have to be honest, I was scared to write a new post... I wasn't sure how to explain myself but then I came to the realization that I don't need to explain myself. I just need to be honest. Therefore, I am writing this for myself and I hope you all can give me the benefit of the doubt here. Whether you know me in person or you have read my earlier posts, you know that I was married to Trevor. We are no longer together and what happened between me and him is between us but it was a decision we both discussed and wanted to make together.

I don't regret getting married or marrying him, at that time in my life its what I wanted and I was happy with my life then and I am happy with my life now. I don't regret any choices I have made. We just weren't meant to be together forever. Being married to Trevor taught me so much and I wouldn't take it back.

I will admit the holidays were rough this past year. I felt lonely and I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do. Then someone stumbled into my life, while I was busy making plans to move off to a big city somewhere, preparing to work multiple jobs and still live off of Top Raman noodles. I was scared for a new relationship and of course, I cared way too much about what everyone else was going to think of me. But allowing others' judgement and opinions stop me from being with an awesome guy who makes me smile was complete bullshit.  So, on January 1, 2015 mine and Austin's story officially began underneath the fireworks in Vegas.

A month later, my greyhound Arya and I moved from our small city to a slightly bigger city to live with my boyfriend, our fantastic roommates and a pack of hounds. Its never boring in our house and the happiness levels are through the roof. I predict some vlogs on my neglected YouTube channel in the near future, so prepare yourselves now.

I am also planning weekly blog posts, so fingers crossed I can commit to this, but I am a writer after all and procrastination is the strongest skill listed on my personal resume. What are some things you would like to see in my blog? Let me know and I will do my best to include them all.

Until next time,
Nicole xx

P.S I forgot to mention that not only am I back but I'm back with a bitchin new haircut! And also I found it irritating that while I was writing this post, I couldn't use emojis... That sentence alone explains so much about me... anyway here's a selfie for you all to enjoy: